August 1, 1999 I was baptized into the body of Christ. I
remember everything so vividly. It was the best day of my life but there is
simply no way to prepare an individual for what may lie ahead once on that
path. A big part of the good news is that the path leads to glory but unfortunately
it does not lead you there instantly. Instead there have been so many mountain top
moments tempered with living life in the valleys. I want to share a little bit
of the journey because it reminds me of how God helped the Hebrews not forget
that He is our God.
The night that I was baptized into Christ just happened to
be my first time attending church service in years! For my particular movement
this was almost unheard of as we were a patient lot and truly believed in
teaching the Scriptures first and foremost. I did not know the “lingo” so to
speak but I continued to hear the terms “bro”, “kingdom”, and “amen” repeatedly
and soon followed suit. Not only did I begin to speak like everyone else
without recognizing it, I began to understand the point of view being given to
me regularly. This is not and was not a bad thing in it of itself but there is
something truly powerful and a bit frightening when telling someone these are
the Words of God.
During this time I began to question certain things in my
mind but would not dare to bring them out for fear that I might lose all that I
had recently gained: a family. When you become part of my church you tend to
drop all of your former “worldly” friends and contacts because they are not
seeing the world as you do. So should you ever leave, or in my case, be asked
to leave you find yourself in a desert with no friends and no place to go. Time
certainly helps to heal this wound and the relationships that were built begin
to once again come around but there is no mistaking that you are being held at
a safe distance.
Some of the questions that I would often think of was the
idea of our fellowship being the one true church or the kingdom of God. This
was not a question for any sensible reason but rather it just struck me as odd
that we would teach others that, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not
something that can be observed, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or
‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is in your midst.” (Luke
17:20-21) All the while reminding the individual that we are the actual church.
To me this seemed like an obvious pointing to where the kingdom is, which went
against my understanding of what was being taught in the Word. To my shame I
made no mention of any of these things (and there were many) because I was
selfish and immature. So many would encourage me towards greatness in Christ
and that feeling cannot be compared to too many things on this earth.
Whatever I was asked to do the answer was always YES.
Putting that commitment to the test I was asked to leave beautiful San Diego,
CA for Las Cruces, NM. No hesitation was needed or present. I
said yes because ultimately I was in fact learning to trust my Father in Heaven
with my life. After many high moments in Christ as a campus minister I felt
like nothing could stop what we were trying to accomplish and then it all came
crashing down in a moment. I did eventually come to a point where I could ask
questions and even disagree when I recognized action outside of the bounds of
Scripture. This has a heroic ring to it but it led to my fall in the
fellowship. I used to think I was a pretty popular guy at church and there was
no lack of effort on my part to serve in any way I could to enhance this image.
Unfortunately, I found myself in a meeting with a woefully
unprepared brother who sat and listened to me share my thoughts about the
direction we were taking as a church and how I truly believed the Bible was not
being given its place of honor during this time. It was confusing but I was
asked to not come to church. I should mention this was not a disfellowship but
rather a one man send off. I sat at that coffee shop for an hour in tears
because I just lost everything I ever held dear to me. Not to mention I had to
go home and tell my wife that I just got us kicked out of the one true church.
In an instant my friends were gone and I was not contacted
to come back and talk or pray or the like. Some men told others that they came
pleading to me but this is simply a lie and an attempt to say the right thing.
What do you do now? You pray and develop an intimacy with your Father because
although those close to me had forsaken me, my Father never did! To God be the
glory for that! This began a time of trial for my family that I would not wish
upon anyone, though it will happen when it needs to and they will come through
with a faith that is based solely on the Rock and not church doctrine if they
do everything they can to stand firm.
I made efforts, humiliating efforts, to reunite with the
fellowship but I truly believe once you have a new wineskin you cannot put old
wine back in. My wife was given advice to leave me by one of her closest
friends but my wife is also a follower of Jesus so that was never a
possibility. Ironically, I continued to counsel many of my brothers from the
old fellowship but I always felt like it was done in the cover of darkness when
no one could see. Again, time helped this as well and I have made peace with my
brothers and sisters and more than that with my God.
As you can imagine much of this journey has been skipped for
the sake of time and the fact that I have arthritis and cannot type for too
long. A time of healing came when I started going to seminary. I saw with my
own eyes men and women from different denominational understandings putting
those things aside in order to praise God as One. My professors will never
understand what they have meant to me. I would not even know how to thank them
to be quite honest. They taught me about grace which sounds insane being that I
was not only a follower for many years but was a ministry leader for most of
that time. It sparked something fresh in me and set the Spirit ablaze in my
heart again but this time my mind was fully engaged as well. This is not to say
I was a part of a cult because I do not believe that but I was set free.
I write this down only as a reflection of how I and others
that are in the same flesh condition have failed to be what we are called to be
but that my God has always remained faithful to me even when I lost faith and
others did not want me to have my faith. God is so good and although I am still
in my flesh condition He has loved me; He has cared for me; He has and does
want me; and He is my God, my Father, my Creator, and my Redeemer. Twenty years
and I still believe Jesus is who He says He is and that He did walk this earth
and was crucified for the forgiveness of MY sins, resurrected on the third day
and now sits at the right hand of His Father. Jesus is Lord and He is my
Redeemer. To God be all glory, honor, and praise!
